Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it. . . when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

I had small pieces of that over the years, but a really big one last night.

I'm tired.

Tired of eating too much.

Tired of exercising so much and it not making a difference because I'm eating too much.

Tired of carrying around baggage and heaviness that's weighing me down.

Tired of feeling sore because my muscles don't work like they used to.

Tired of not having the will power to not have that cookie.

Tired of not making time to achieve my goals.

Tired of making my goals, and then not following through.

Tired of always beginning, but never finishing.

Tired of the regret, guilt and underlying sadness that come with not finishing.

Tired of being tired.

Today I am not beginning again, but continuing on my journey. A journey to where I've had to dig pretty deep within my layers (that I have padded up over the years) to find out where I am. Who I am. Where I want my life to go. How I want to live it. It's amazing how we can lose ourselves in the every day. We can go through the motions of life, and never really live or connect.

When talking about why we got ourselves to this spot in out lives, a friend said, every time you have a hurt, a piece of you dies. I thought about that for a long time.

I do not believe part of you dies when there is a hurt. I believe that whenever we are hurt, inflicted by either someone else, or ourselves, we cocoon. Wrap ourselves in layers upon layers of protection like a chrysalis, under development, until it's time to break free and spread our beautiful wings.

I feel that the time for breaking free is near. Is now.

It's time to work hard to break free of the layers that has kept me protected all these years. I have gathered the strength, and know that it is going to take time to remove them one at a time, one pound at a time. It took a long time to get them there, but I cannot wait to feel the air, and spread my wings.

1 comment:

  1. Go get 'em Jen.
    I love you and this better be the last entry like this I read for a while. You love life too much and your happiness is too great an example for me. Besides, I have the market cornered on "Life Sucks" blog entries so there's no point coming down here anyway...
    Be strong. I know you are.